Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Well last Friday (4/8/16) I had my day 10 ultrasound to check my ovaries and see if there were any follicles present.  And there was!!  I had one follicle on my right ovary measuring in at 26mm and one follicle on my left ovary measuring at 12mm.  My uterine lining was also nice and thick at 9mm.  I know these measurements probably don't mean alot to most average people, however, they were great news to me!  The doctor instructed that I would give myself a trigger shot that night between the hours of 6 and 9 and then would come back Sunday morning for my IUI.  We were to have Casey's sample there by 7:30 to be washed and prepared and my appointment would be at 10.

There were only a few pharmacy around Austin that would fill the trigger shot prescription, so I went to one of the hippie pharmacy's down south and got it filled.  The pharmacist gave me instructions on how to prepare the syringe.  I tried to keep myself busy that evening so Case and I went shopping for patio furniture and then went and ate supper.  Around 7:30 I decided it was time to bite the bullet and give myself the shot.  Casey proclaimed that "shots in the stomach make him faint" (eye roll) and at first said he would be staying in the living room while I gave myself the shot.  I squashed that idea REAL quick.  Oh no buddy, you will be a part of this!  I got the syringe all prepared as instructed and then gave myself the shot in my stomach.  And to my surprise it was so easy!  The needle was tiny and it didn't hurt at all.

He begged me to get this chair

I'm practically a nurse now

All ready and nervous as hell

The next day we did projects around the house and tried to go to bed at a decent time.  I was anxious though so I stayed up til about 11:30 watching a new TV show I had started.  The next morning, the alarm went off bright and early at 6am.  We had to leave the house no later than
6:45 to make sure that we got Casey's sample to the clinic by 7:30.  The main clinic is the only one open on weekends, so it was at least a 30-40 minute drive for us.  After we got everything turned in, we had 2.5 hours to kill.  We went and had breakfast at Kerbey Lane and then drove around North Austin.  There isn't much open at 8am on a Sunday morning.  We got to the clinic a little early and they were able to take us right back.  My doctor was not on call this past weekend, so another doctor had to actually do the IUI.  When I heard it was Dr. Vaughn, I was relieved.  My friend Natalie's sister used him for both of her IUI's resulting in two pregnancies and three precious little girls!  That's right, she had twins from one of her procedures!

When we got into the exam room we both had to initial in several places stating that we had reviewed the names on the specimen label and were  positive that we had Casey's sample.  Then the doctor went over Casey's numbers with us.  They would like for each sample to have 10 million sperm and our sample had 56 million sperm!  Such good news.  Then I freaked out.  I asked since it was almost 6 times the amount they needed if  it would up our chances of having multiples and he confirmed that the chance of multiples is determined on how many eggs my body releases (fraternal twins) or if the fertilized egg splits (identical twins).  So basically, no.....its all dependent on my eggs.

The IUI itself only took about 30 seconds. I was nervous it was going to be painful, but it was so quick and easy.  And only minor cramping.  They set a timer and made me lay there for 10 minutes without moving.   And then it was done!  Now we are in the dreaded two week wait.  The two weeks after ovulation and before your period are definitely the hardest part for me

Let's be honest--I am not the most patient person in the world.  But here's to keeping myself busy the next two weeks and praying this thing worked!!  Eeeeeeeek!!!

Similarities in infertility and grieving

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time and finally have taken the time to sit down and write.  For someone my age, I have experienced a lot of death in my life.  I have been around for all of my grandparent's funerals and in 2006 when I was 20 years old, I lost my brother in a car accident. I was in college and my world was completely turned upside down.  I became severely depressed and had to try to figure out a way to continue to function in the day to day world.  Also, a year ago today, I had a miscarriage and lost our baby.

They say there are 5 stages of grief.  Shock and denial, anger, depression and detachment, dialogue and bargaining, and acceptance.  Shock and denial primarily comes when the death is unexpected.  Normally, it is closely followed by anger and not understanding.  Once you are done being mad, you may become a recluse and not want to speak to anyone or leave the house.  The dialogue and bargaining stage comes once you have come out of your depression and you feel the need to share your story.  And lastly acceptance means that you have come to terms with what has happened and put in a plan to move on with your life.

I experienced every one of these stages in full force when I lost my brother.  The news hit like a ton of bricks.  I didn't believe it at first and then I couldn't believe that it was happening to MY family.  After the funeral was over I got mad.  Like really pissed off.  I was mad at God, I was mad at my family, and I was mad at my friends.  Nobody could say anything to make me feel better.  I knew I was being moody and irritable, however I didn't know how to change the way I felt.  And then came the depression.  And this is the stage that completely knocked me on my ass.  I slept ALL. THE. TIME.  I cried ALL. THE. TIME.  And I started skipping A LOT of school.  So much so, that one of the girls in my classes became concerned about me and had the school counselor contact me.  Looking back, I should have taken that semester off.  I finally went to the doctor and got prescribed an antidepressant.  I was so ashamed to have to turn to medicine and not be able to face this myself.  But that was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  Within a week, I started to feel more like myself.  I finally was starting to regain my energy and enjoy life again.  The next stage is dialogue and bargaining.  I was so scared people were going to forget my brother.  I talked about him all the time.  I always found a way to bring him up in conversation.  And I would catch myself doing it and then get embarrassed.  I had to come with the terms that people hadn't forgotten him and with the personality that he had, they probably never would.  And lastly, acceptance.  There comes a time where you are just at peace with what you have overcome.  Losing a loved one is never ever easy,  however, God will never give you a difficult situation that he knows you cannot overcome.  I grew as a person so much during that time and can't wait until the day I get to heaven and see my brother again.

The grief I felt when I lost my brother returned last year when I miscarried at eight and a half weeks.  My world was completely rocked when I found out our baby didn't have a heartbeat.  However, I was prepared with the feelings that were going to come.  Trust me, once you have been through a devastating loss, you never forget the struggle you went through to return to normalcy.  I felt every single stage of grief after losing our baby.  I knew what to expect and I dealt with it in the best way I knew how.

The main point of this post was to try to explain how dealing with infertility feels a lot to me like dealing with grief.  I feel like I am grieving a life I yearn to know versus a life I already knew.  I never thought that I would ever had trouble getting pregnant until we were actively trying 3 months after my miscarriage.  Then the thought crossed my mind.  Each month we tried and I got a negative pregnancy test, the angrier I got.  Then the anger turned to sadness and depression.  It just wasn't fair. Why us?  Around January of this year (right around the time I started my Clomid), I felt a calming peace come over me.  I started talking more about my miscarriage and my fertility battle, rather than keeping it all internalized.  And what was so shocking to me is how many people had been through the same struggles.  You never realize how many women have had miscarriages and just don't talk about it.  Which I completely understand.  It is not something that is easy to talk about.  Now I feel that I am at the acceptance stage.  Since all of our testing has been done, we have a plan in place going forward.  Casey and I decided to start IUI this cycle.  I have already had my first ultrasound completed and finished taking my Femara.  I go back this Friday to check my ovaries and determine if my follicles are growing.  Praying hard that this works!

Next steps in the fertility journey

Well, we had a big appointment yesterday at the fertility doctor to discuss all our test results and what our next steps should be.  I left there feeling a little overwhelmed.  I heard exactly what I thought we would hear, however, it was a lot of information coming at us all at once.

As far as the test results go, everything came back great.  There is nothing that is wrong that we need to fix.  I am still taking my vitamin D supplements to try to get that number up a little bit.  And as far as the ovulation goes, we realize that I will need help from medicine to make sure my body actually releases an egg each month.  Otherwise my Fallopian tubes are open, my blood work checks out, and Casey's sample looked excellent!

We have two options as far as next steps are concerned.  The first option is to go in and do laproscopy to ensure I don't have Endometrosis.  Since Endometrosis grows on the outside of your uterus, they would not have been able to detect it from the HSG or the regular ultrasound.  They would cut three small incisions in my stomach and go in with a camera to look at the outside of the uterus.  If they happen to find anything, they would be able to clean it up right then.

The second option is to start a round of IUI/Femara/HCG trigger shot.  I would need to go in for an ultrasound on days 1-3 of my cycle to ensure I don't have any ovarian cysts.  Then I would take the Femara (that almost works the same as Clomid) on cycle days 3-7.  I would go back between cycle days 10-12 to take a look at my follicles to check the sizes and see how many have developed.  Depending on what they find on this ultrasound would depend on when I would take the HCG trigger shot.  The trigger shot is to make my body release an egg.  Most people respond to the trigger shot within 36-42 hours after injection.  The IUI procedure would follow the day after the trigger shot.  They would take Casey's sample and "wash the sperm".  Basically they would be taking all the "gunk" out and only leaving the clean shiny sperm.  Then they would inject the best swimmers into me and we would pray for the best.  This ensures the sperm is exactly where it needs to be when my body releases the egg.

After talking about it with Casey, I think we are going to start the next cycle with a round of IUI/Femara/Trigger Shot.  The most we would try this method would be 3-4 times.  We feel that it would be best to try this prior to me going through another surgery.  Here is to hoping for the best!

Catching up

I have GOT to get better at this blogging thing.  So much to catch up on!  Case and I went to Lake Tahoe with our friends Isaac and Allie a few weeks ago and had such a relaxing trip.  Until our return flight that Monday was cancelled.  We got rebooked but we had to spend the entire day at the airport and didn't arrive back in Texas until 1am.

Lake and Mountains

Dinner by the lake

Such a pretty city

My Happy Place

View outside our room

Wasting time in the airport

The following weekend, Case went to Houston with his parents to play in a charity golf tournament so I had the weekend free to do whatever and I had the best time hanging out with Miss Macartney and her momma!  First, when I showed up to Reagan's house, we were wearing the exact same shirt.  Needless to say, she changed.  Then we went to Mac's gymnastics class followed by The Thinkery!  That place is so neat!

Well, this isnt going to work

Paying attention to instructions

Balance Beam

Playing with the light pegs at The Thinkery

The next day was Kathleen's baby shower!  They are not finding out the sex of the baby, so the theme of the baby shower was "What will it bee?"  Such a great time and cannot wait to meet Baby Loyd!

Opening Gifts

What will it bee? (Get it?)

Parfait Bar

Mimosa Bar

We have also been busy doing a few small home improvement projects around the house.  Case has been busting his butt clearing our land and it looks AMAZING!  As for me, I painted our powder bath.  Let's just say that I thought I would be good at painting and I completely sucked!  Oh well, it's done.

Progress Pic

Its done!  Dont look too close at the edges....

Hard workin' man

A boy and his chainsaw.....

Case and I also had our first appointment with a fertility doctor earlier this month.  We both really liked the doctor and have been spending most of the month finishing up all the testing she wanted us to go through.  So many tests!  I had blood work, Case had blood work, a semen analysis, an HSG, a genetic saliva test and an ultrasound.  Based on the results we have gotten back so far, most everything looks good.  My vitamin D was a little low, so I have started taking supplements for that.  We are still waiting on the test results from the HSG and the saliva screening, but hope to get those back this week.  We have an appointment on the 28th of this month to discuss all the test results and our future treatment options.  I decided to take this month off from Clomid, to give my body a break from the hormones.

Saliva Test

Life Lately & Fertility Update

Well, here we are a month into the new year and I am only working on the 2nd blog post of the year.  FAIL on that New Year Goal.  Since the holidays, Casey and I haven't been too busy.  Case got a new chainsaw and has been working on clearing out some of the cedar trees on our property.  Speaking of cedar trees, our allergies have been horrible.  The trees around this area are pollinating right now and everyone is miserable.

A few weeks ago, Reagan and I took Macartney to my parent's house to see their baby sheep.  She liked them at first, however, when the sheep started "bah-ing", she got scared.  Haha!  I cant say I blame her!  It yelled right in her face!

Excited to go see the sheep

I dont know about this thing

Hold me, mom

This lamb laid like this forever

Group pic!!

We have also been spending lots of time visiting with Jonathan and Natalie and cuddling Miss Bellamy!  She is the sweetest baby!

Sweet baby girl

Uncle Casey and Bellamy

Last weekend we went to Midland to celebrate Bobby and Lynnie's 40th wedding anniversary.  We all went out to dinner at Cancun Grill.

Happy 40th Anniversary!!

Jordan and Josh

Sarah and Stan

Me and Case

It was also Harper's 1st birthday!  I cannot believe that little nugget is already ONE!  She had a great party but hated her hands being dirty from the cake icing.  It was good to catch up with Lon and Jessica as well.  Sure wish we lived closer to them!

Birthday girl!

This looks yummy!

Nope, dont like it!  Someone clean my hands!

This most beautiful and delicious cake ever!

FERTILITY  UPDATE
It appears last time I updated regarding our path to being parents, I was waiting on the surgery.  I ended up having the surgery on December 3rd to remove my endometrial polyps.  My doctor thought there were 2 polyps, however, when she got in there, there was 3.  She got all of them removed and the procedure went well.

At the beginning of my next cycle, I started on 50mg of Clomid.  I took it on days 3-7 of my cycle and went in on Day 21 for a blood test.  At my 21 day blood test, my progesterone level was at a 11.4.  My doctor stated she wanted it at a 12 or above, so if I wasn't pregnant this cycle, she was going to increase my dosage.  Turns out, I wasn't pregnant.

The following cycle (our current cycle) she increased my Clomid to 100mg.  Once again I took it on days 3-7.  My 21 day blood test this month revealed that my progesterone was at a 19.3.  A definite sign that I ovulated.  GREAT NEWS!  Now we are in our two week wait.  And it has been torturous.  I really need to learn patience.  Here is to hoping that we get a positive this month!!

Casey and I decided that if we are not successful this month, we will seek out a fertility doctor to proceed with treatment.  We are 14 months into this journey, and feel that is the best step for us at this point.  

2016 Goals

Let's face it.  I have never been much of a New Year's Resolution type of gal.  I always thought it was overzealous to choose one (or multiple) things you were going to stick to for an ENTIRE year.  A year is a long time!  So this year, I decided it would be advantageous to choose GOALS for the new year rather than RESOLUTIONS.  Here they are:

• If we are in town on the weekend, go to Church
• There is no reason we should not be doing this.  We travel quite a bit, but had gotten out of the habit of going to Church on weekends we are in town.  I feel as though it starts off the week on a positive note and makes me feel closer to God when I am in church each week
• Volunteer more
• I don't feel that I have a job that fulfills me personally.  With that being said, I want to volunteer more this year so that I feel as if I am doing something to help people.  I would ultimately like to do volunteer work with children and need to sit down and find a good organization.
• Read 2 books per month
• One thing I realized over the holidays is that I spend way too much time in front of the TV and on my phone.  I have always loved reading, and decided I should spend more time doing so.  
• Blog more/take more pictures
• I started this blog as a way for our families to keep up with our pregnancy earlier this year.  Clearly that plan didn't work out as planned but I realized I actually really enjoy blogging.  Most of the time when I sit down to write a blog, I realize I have no pictures to upload.  Therefore, I also want to take more pictures this year.  And I suck on figuring out the quickest way to get the pictures from my phone to the blog, so I will work on that as well. 
• GET PREGNANT
• This goal is pretty obvious but after over a year of trying, this is one of our ultimate dreams for 2016.  We look forward to the day when God blesses us with a sweet miracle of our own.  
• Maintain an 80/20 healthy eating lifestyle
• We started the new year out doing Whole30 and while we are only 5 days in, I already feel much better.  This will be our second round of Whole30, and it is so difficult and rewarding at the same time.  After this round, we plan on eating healthy 80% of the time and allowing ourselves treats 20% of the time.  
• Workout in the mornings before work
• So far, I have failed MISERABLY at this goal.  I'm talking it hasn't happened once! Ha!  And I have no excuse.  I need to get better at getting my lazy butt out of bed in the mornings.  I feel more energized throughout the day and have my evenings to do whatever I please.  Also, it prevents me going through the denial and dread all day while waiting for my workout to roll around.  

So there they are--2016 goals.  Some of them are ambitious, and some of them I should have already been doing.  Here is to a year of getting healthy, having a baby, and sharing our lives on the blog.  HAPPY 2016!!

Infertility Woes

I cannot believe its been almost two months since I have posted.  It definitely doesn't seem like it has been that long.  I came back to the blog today to read about our pregnancy back in March.  Today was Baby Satterfield's due date.  What a rough day!  I definitely wasn't expecting to be as emotional as I am.  After reading the post about when we found out we were pregnant, to the weekly updates and seeing how excited we were, it all just kind of hit.  HARD.  This is a week that initial happiness would have become a reality for us.  And instead of welcoming a new life, we are currently struggling with infertility and trying to get pregnant again.

Casey and I started trying to get pregnant again back in June.  We took one month off, right before we went to Napa, because let's be honest......who wants to be pregnant while in wine country?  When my cycle returned after my miscarriage it came back with a vengeance.  The first couple of months I just chalked it up to be my body's way of balancing out my hormones as to why I was so miserable when Aunt Flo came around.  But then I decided since I wasn't having any luck getting pregnant, I should go get checked out.  They did an ultrasound and found what they thought to be a cyst on my uterus.  My doctor wanted me to come back in for a Saline Ultrasound.  This is where they inject your uterus with saline where they can get a better look inside.  At this time, I also started tracking my ovulation at home again.  The ultrasound was extremely painful.  And being the wuss I am, I almost passed out.  They found out that rather than a cyst, I have two polyps inside my uterus which is causing the heavy periods.  The risk that runs for pregnancy, is if a fertilized egg tries to implant on one of the polyps, it will not happen and instead will end in another miscarriage.  That being said, my polyps are VERY small.  The doctor said the chances of that happening are rare, however, it is a possibility.  We talked options on what to do with the polyps.  I could have surgery to remove them, or I could leave them.  I told her I wanted to talk about the options with Casey before making a decision.

The month leading up to the saline ultrasound, I didn't ovulate.  I brought this up to my doctor and asked her if the polyps could have anything to do with that and she said no.  They are completely separate issues.  She stated she wanted to do a full cycle evaluation on me to see how my hormones look at different parts of my cycle.  I had blood work done at day 5 of my cycle to test for FSH and Estrogen.  All looked good.  I went back in for an ultrasound on day 12 to look at my ovaries to see if they looked like they were getting ready to ovulate.  The left ovary was big and had a few follicles ready to go.  She told me that I should ovulate in the next couple of days.  On day 21, I had to go back to have another blood draw done to test my progesterone levels.  By this time, I still had not gotten a positive on my at-home ovulation test.  My test results came back yesterday that my progesterone was lower than they want it (it was also too low on my first pregnancy and I had to take progesterone supplements).  She suggested that I get on Clomid to help me ovulate and get my progesterone levels up.

Casey and I decided that before we start down the fertility drug path, I will have the surgery to make sure that my uterus is in tip top shape.  I am currently waiting on the doctors office to call me back to schedule the surgery.  If all goes according to plan, I will have the surgery in December and start the Clomid in January.

So that's where we currently are.  I know this sounds cliche to say, but I never dreamed I would have a problem getting pregnant.  Most women don't.  It has been a year now since I officially got off the pill.  These past few months have really been a struggle.  From the negative ovulation tests every day, to the (what seems like) hundreds of recent pregnancy announcements on Facebook lately.  I am definitely trying to be better about relaxing and praying about it every single night.  Knowing that you and God have two different timelines is something I have had to come to terms with.  And learn a whole new level of patience.  And I know, one day, we will have a beautiful baby to hold in our arms to call our own.