Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Well last Friday (4/8/16) I had my day 10 ultrasound to check my ovaries and see if there were any follicles present.  And there was!!  I had one follicle on my right ovary measuring in at 26mm and one follicle on my left ovary measuring at 12mm.  My uterine lining was also nice and thick at 9mm.  I know these measurements probably don't mean alot to most average people, however, they were great news to me!  The doctor instructed that I would give myself a trigger shot that night between the hours of 6 and 9 and then would come back Sunday morning for my IUI.  We were to have Casey's sample there by 7:30 to be washed and prepared and my appointment would be at 10.

There were only a few pharmacy around Austin that would fill the trigger shot prescription, so I went to one of the hippie pharmacy's down south and got it filled.  The pharmacist gave me instructions on how to prepare the syringe.  I tried to keep myself busy that evening so Case and I went shopping for patio furniture and then went and ate supper.  Around 7:30 I decided it was time to bite the bullet and give myself the shot.  Casey proclaimed that "shots in the stomach make him faint" (eye roll) and at first said he would be staying in the living room while I gave myself the shot.  I squashed that idea REAL quick.  Oh no buddy, you will be a part of this!  I got the syringe all prepared as instructed and then gave myself the shot in my stomach.  And to my surprise it was so easy!  The needle was tiny and it didn't hurt at all.

He begged me to get this chair

I'm practically a nurse now

All ready and nervous as hell

The next day we did projects around the house and tried to go to bed at a decent time.  I was anxious though so I stayed up til about 11:30 watching a new TV show I had started.  The next morning, the alarm went off bright and early at 6am.  We had to leave the house no later than
6:45 to make sure that we got Casey's sample to the clinic by 7:30.  The main clinic is the only one open on weekends, so it was at least a 30-40 minute drive for us.  After we got everything turned in, we had 2.5 hours to kill.  We went and had breakfast at Kerbey Lane and then drove around North Austin.  There isn't much open at 8am on a Sunday morning.  We got to the clinic a little early and they were able to take us right back.  My doctor was not on call this past weekend, so another doctor had to actually do the IUI.  When I heard it was Dr. Vaughn, I was relieved.  My friend Natalie's sister used him for both of her IUI's resulting in two pregnancies and three precious little girls!  That's right, she had twins from one of her procedures!

When we got into the exam room we both had to initial in several places stating that we had reviewed the names on the specimen label and were  positive that we had Casey's sample.  Then the doctor went over Casey's numbers with us.  They would like for each sample to have 10 million sperm and our sample had 56 million sperm!  Such good news.  Then I freaked out.  I asked since it was almost 6 times the amount they needed if  it would up our chances of having multiples and he confirmed that the chance of multiples is determined on how many eggs my body releases (fraternal twins) or if the fertilized egg splits (identical twins).  So basically, no.....its all dependent on my eggs.

The IUI itself only took about 30 seconds. I was nervous it was going to be painful, but it was so quick and easy.  And only minor cramping.  They set a timer and made me lay there for 10 minutes without moving.   And then it was done!  Now we are in the dreaded two week wait.  The two weeks after ovulation and before your period are definitely the hardest part for me

Let's be honest--I am not the most patient person in the world.  But here's to keeping myself busy the next two weeks and praying this thing worked!!  Eeeeeeeek!!!

Similarities in infertility and grieving

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time and finally have taken the time to sit down and write.  For someone my age, I have experienced a lot of death in my life.  I have been around for all of my grandparent's funerals and in 2006 when I was 20 years old, I lost my brother in a car accident. I was in college and my world was completely turned upside down.  I became severely depressed and had to try to figure out a way to continue to function in the day to day world.  Also, a year ago today, I had a miscarriage and lost our baby.

They say there are 5 stages of grief.  Shock and denial, anger, depression and detachment, dialogue and bargaining, and acceptance.  Shock and denial primarily comes when the death is unexpected.  Normally, it is closely followed by anger and not understanding.  Once you are done being mad, you may become a recluse and not want to speak to anyone or leave the house.  The dialogue and bargaining stage comes once you have come out of your depression and you feel the need to share your story.  And lastly acceptance means that you have come to terms with what has happened and put in a plan to move on with your life.

I experienced every one of these stages in full force when I lost my brother.  The news hit like a ton of bricks.  I didn't believe it at first and then I couldn't believe that it was happening to MY family.  After the funeral was over I got mad.  Like really pissed off.  I was mad at God, I was mad at my family, and I was mad at my friends.  Nobody could say anything to make me feel better.  I knew I was being moody and irritable, however I didn't know how to change the way I felt.  And then came the depression.  And this is the stage that completely knocked me on my ass.  I slept ALL. THE. TIME.  I cried ALL. THE. TIME.  And I started skipping A LOT of school.  So much so, that one of the girls in my classes became concerned about me and had the school counselor contact me.  Looking back, I should have taken that semester off.  I finally went to the doctor and got prescribed an antidepressant.  I was so ashamed to have to turn to medicine and not be able to face this myself.  But that was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  Within a week, I started to feel more like myself.  I finally was starting to regain my energy and enjoy life again.  The next stage is dialogue and bargaining.  I was so scared people were going to forget my brother.  I talked about him all the time.  I always found a way to bring him up in conversation.  And I would catch myself doing it and then get embarrassed.  I had to come with the terms that people hadn't forgotten him and with the personality that he had, they probably never would.  And lastly, acceptance.  There comes a time where you are just at peace with what you have overcome.  Losing a loved one is never ever easy,  however, God will never give you a difficult situation that he knows you cannot overcome.  I grew as a person so much during that time and can't wait until the day I get to heaven and see my brother again.

The grief I felt when I lost my brother returned last year when I miscarried at eight and a half weeks.  My world was completely rocked when I found out our baby didn't have a heartbeat.  However, I was prepared with the feelings that were going to come.  Trust me, once you have been through a devastating loss, you never forget the struggle you went through to return to normalcy.  I felt every single stage of grief after losing our baby.  I knew what to expect and I dealt with it in the best way I knew how.

The main point of this post was to try to explain how dealing with infertility feels a lot to me like dealing with grief.  I feel like I am grieving a life I yearn to know versus a life I already knew.  I never thought that I would ever had trouble getting pregnant until we were actively trying 3 months after my miscarriage.  Then the thought crossed my mind.  Each month we tried and I got a negative pregnancy test, the angrier I got.  Then the anger turned to sadness and depression.  It just wasn't fair. Why us?  Around January of this year (right around the time I started my Clomid), I felt a calming peace come over me.  I started talking more about my miscarriage and my fertility battle, rather than keeping it all internalized.  And what was so shocking to me is how many people had been through the same struggles.  You never realize how many women have had miscarriages and just don't talk about it.  Which I completely understand.  It is not something that is easy to talk about.  Now I feel that I am at the acceptance stage.  Since all of our testing has been done, we have a plan in place going forward.  Casey and I decided to start IUI this cycle.  I have already had my first ultrasound completed and finished taking my Femara.  I go back this Friday to check my ovaries and determine if my follicles are growing.  Praying hard that this works!